


the lion king: live action and in denmark

by antisocialmimikyu



Series: william shakespeare should get on my level [2]
Category: Hamlet - Shakespeare
Genre: Crack, Other, i’m not allowed to turn this in but i wrote it anyway and i think it’s way better, i’m so sorry to everyone who subbed for jjba or something i swear i’m working on something, than what i’m going to have to hand over
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-09
Updated: 2019-05-09
Packaged: 2020-02-29 03:44:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18770503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/antisocialmimikyu/pseuds/antisocialmimikyu
Summary: An absolutely serious rewriting of William Shakespeare’s playHamlet.





	the lion king: live action and in denmark

When the three sentries rush into his room, Hamlet quickly sets his mirror down and stares awkwardly at them. Used to this, one steps forward and says, “While on watch we saw your father’s ghost, in-“

“My father’s WHAT??” Hamlet yells, jumping up and running past them. “He’s DEAD?!”

The sentries wait until he’s out of sight and then, amused by their successful trick on the prince of Denmark, leave to get drunk. 

Hamlet rushes to the watchtower and stares over the edge, where his father’s corpse lays. A ghost rises out of it in full battle array, even though the corpse is dressed in pajamas. He floats all the way up to Hamlet’s level.

“Son,” he says, gravely. “It seems I’ve finally developed superpowers. I must-“

“Who killed you, Dad?” Hamlet asks. “Please tell me you’ve been murdered. I’ve been preparing to go on a vengeance quest my whole life.”

The maybe-ex-king looks down and shrieks. There is a four-second pause before he drops like a stone into the ground.

Hamlet frowns, but his dad doesn’t come back up. That’s okay, though; Hamlet has multiple plans in mind for checking guilt even though he doesn’t need them because it is beyond doubt his uncle Claudius’s fault. Hamlet sets off with a spring in his step and an idea in his heart.

—————

 

It seems Hamlet’s suspicions are correct, because the next day he is sent word that his uncle is visiting from Ohio and will be at the palace in four days- sooner if he can get someone else to help row him. Hamlet crumples the paper in one (just one!!) fist and stares dramatically at the wall.

“Are you okay?” asks Ophelia, wearing her favorite hat. It has “Designated Love Interest” written on it in bright green sharpie, and had been a gift from her father Polonius. “Did something happen?”

“My father got murdered,” Hamlet says. “It...really sucks.” It doesn’t, actually, he couldn’t care less, but he really has to play up the vengeful son role. 

Ophelia pats him on the head awkwardly. “There there? Have fun on your vengeance quest?”

“Thank you,” Hamlet says. “I’m.......... now romantically interested in you.........”

Ophelia gives him a thumbs up. “Good for you!” Then she leaves without waiting for any sort of answer.

With Ophelia’s newfound support Hamlet decides to change up the plan a bit. For drama’s sake, mostly, but he will put on a play for Claudius when he arrives telling the tale of how he murdered his brother. Hamlet doesn’t know how it happened, but he watches a ton of soap operas, so he’s sure he can figure it out.

Sure enough, Claudius arrives in a few days’ time and immediately sits next to Hamlet’s mother. “We’re married now,” he tells her, and she shrugs. Hamlet, in the background behind some bushes, gasps dramatically and faints. The play begins without him.

“Brother...I...” begins Player One, whose name is coincidentally Claude.

“What,” says Hamlet’s dad, who is in full ghost form playing his own expy. 

“I hate you a lot and I wanna be king,” Player One says. “Also I want to marry your wife. Please drink this poison I have prepared for you.” Player One presents a glass of orange juice filled with pulp.

“Thank you,” the king says, not realizing the horror show he is about to drink because the glass isn’t see-through. This kind of ruins the immersion, unfortunately, but everyone is mostly paying attention to their phones anyway. The ghost drinks the juice, which lands on the floor beneath him with a splat.

Everyone looks up in time to see the king stagger around dramatically before collapsing and again sinking through the floor. They clap politely, which wakes Hamlet up.

“ARE YOU FEELING GUILTY YET CLAUDIUS,” Hamlet screams.

“What,” Claudius says. 

“YOU made that orange juice DIDN’T YOU,” Hamlet says, running up to the stage to unfurl a huge banner which reads _THIS PLAY WAS A METAPHOR CLAUDIUS KILLED MY DAD!!!!!!!_

“I WHAT??” Claudius says, getting up to throw hands.

Hamlet sloppily rips off a large strip of white paper to reveal more hastily-written words. _AND HE MARRIED MY MOM!! THEY’RE SIBLINGS-IN-LAW!!!_

There is a mild scandalized gasp throughout the crowd as everyone stares at Claudius, who is currently screaming incoherently. Hamlet leaps off stage, picks up his mother, and runs away while his new dad is distracted.

“What was that for, son???” Gertrude asks. Her cocktail spilled all over her dress somewhere in the mad flight.

“He killed dad one,” Hamlet replies. “Dad alpha. The original. Claudius MURDERED him, and I think YOU helped!!”

“He was in Ohio and I was, uh, um, on the watchtowers.” Gertrude sweats nervously. “I couldn’t possibly have!”

Hamlet believes her entirely but doesn’t get the chance to because he hears a strange rustling in the curtains. Hamlet grabs his vengeance sword he intended to use at the end of the play on Claudius and runs it through the curtains. The rustling stops as a man falls straight into Hamlet’s arms, clearly playing dead.

Hamlet removes his sword from where it’s stuck in the wall and listens for Polonius’s breathing. When he hears it he steps back and nods sadly. “Definitely dead. Sorry mom.”

“You’re paying for the funeral,” Gertrude says. “And my cocktail. Please leave and take the man with you.”

“No need,” Polonius says, getting up and walking out. Hamlet follows, dejectedly, already drafting his apology letter to Polonius’s kids Laertes and Ophelia in his head.

Laertes shows up three weeks later angry and filled with vengeance energy. After exchanging hugs with Ophelia and Polonius, and giving Ophelia a shirt that says “I am literally so sad” in comic sans he sets off to challenge Hamlet to a duel.

Hamlet, who was bemoaning his failure to hit Claudius the whole time he was praying and not moving, agrees readily. They gather up spectators, judges, Claudius, Gertrude, Polonius, and Ophelia, and then get swords.

Laertes pours poison on his, then turns to face Hamlet. “My name is Laertes Whatever. You killed my father. Prepare to die.”

“I’m right here, son,” Polonius says.

“Sometimes I can still hear his voice.”

“My father was also murdered. We should be comrades. But...I shall slay you,” Hamlet says with remarkable confidence for someone who’s only held a sword twice before and failed miserably both times.

They tap swords three times and circle four times, and then are about to play the decides-all game of rock-paper-scissors before-

“WAIT!”

Horatio, Hamlet’s best friend whom he hasn’t thought about in weeks, runs into view. His clothes are tattered and covered in blood, but he points his sword at the queen. “You tried to kill me,” he says. “I want a duel.”

The queen stands and raises her hands in a peace gesture. “P-please! Have mercy! I was trying to murder my husband, Hamlet’s dad, Claudius’s brother, uh- anyway, you were an accident! I didn’t know I killed you until just now!”

“I’m not DEAD genius!” Horatio yells, charging. Everyone else with a newfound grudge against the queen who has confessed to attempted murder on two counts now politely skedaddles as she stands up and grabs a sword. She and Horatio duel dramatically for a time.

“Does this mean I don’t get to avenge my dad?” Hamlet asks dejectedly over the clanging of swords. Horatio looks to be winning, after all.

“Perhaps we should be comrades in failed revenge,” Laertes sighs. “Friends?”

“Friends,” Hamlet answers. Then he leaps up to grab the queen’s sword from her dead hands and rushes headlong at Claudius.

**Author's Note:**

> hamlet’s dad actually tripped off the tower after the sentries left


End file.
